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Killing The Dragon

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Programmers kill a dragon

[Translation of Programadores matando un dragón, which is itself a translation from a Portuguese article on a Brazilian web site, which unfortunately I could not access.]

Java - He arrives, finds the dragon, develops a multi-layered framework for the annihilation of dragons and write a number of articles about the framework.... but he does not kill the dragon.

.NET - He arrives, sees the Java developer's idea and copies them. He tries to kill the dragon, but the beast eats him.

C - He arrives, considering the dragon to be a thing of no value he draws his sword and cuts its throat and find the princess... and he ignores her to look at the last CVS check-ins of the Linux kernel.

C++ - He starts with a basic point and starts to add functionality to it until he has such a complicated sword that he can hardly understand it. He kills the dragon but gets held up in the middle of the bridge because of memory leaks.

COBOL - He arrives, sees the dragon but believing that he is too old to be able to kill a dragon of this size or to be able to win the hand of so beautiful a princess, he leaves.

Pascal - He spends 10 years preparing a system for the annihilation of dragons... but when the moment comes he discovers that the program only accepts lizards for input.

VB - He assembles a weapon for the destruction of dragons starting with a number of basic components, he jumps on the back of the dragon but at zero hour discovers that the sword only works on rainy nights.

PL/SQL - He retrieves data about other dragon killers, creates relational tables in third normal form, data in 3D, OLAP, waits for 15 years while the system processes the information... and in this time the princess becomes a lesbian.

Ruby - He comes with much fame, saying that he is the best at doing this kind of thing, and when he confronts the dragon he shows a short film clip of him killing a dragon... the dragon eats from from sheer boredom.

Smalltalk - He arrives, analyses the dragon and the princess, he turns around and makes off: they are very inferior.

shell - He creates a powerful weapon for killing dragons, but at zero hour forgets how to use it.

shell(2) - He approaches with a two line script that kills, cuts, eviscerates, chops into pieces and packages dragons... but at the moment of execution the script enlarges, fattens, angers and put alcohol on this dragon's flames.

Assembler - He creates what he believes is the most correct and most efficient program... but he puts an A in the place of a D, kills the princess and ends up by making love with the dragon.

Fortran - He arrives and develops a solution with 45,000 lines of code, kills the dragon, goes in search of the princess... but she calls him a stuffed shirt and follows the Java programmer who was at least elegant and rich.

Fox Pro - He develops a system for killing a dragon. On the outside it is elegant and functional, but on the inside is all patched... and when he executes it he remembers that he forgot to index the DBF.

Process Analyst - He approaches the dragon with two tons of documentation about the process of killing a generic dragon, develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her and convinces the dragon that it will all be for the best and won't hurt. On initiation, the process estimates the effort and the amount of harm the plan will cause with signatures from the Pope, Buddha and Joan Manuel Serrat. It then purchases two atomic bombs, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and contracts 300 mercenaries armed to the teeth... but all that was really necessary was the sword that the analyst had in his hand at the start.

CLIPPER - He sets up subroutines that load an array of codeblocks to insult the dragon, sing to the princess, carry the sword in memory, beat the dragon to a pulp, clean up the dirt, prepare the glass of condensed milk with blackberries for the princess, make love to the princess, have a bath, start up the car, fill it with petrol and return home. At the moment of starting the program he gets a “Bound error: Array access” message and the dragon has him for dinner with roast potatoes.

Thats all folks!


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